


Peter Pettigrew and the Forbidden Donut

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-31
Updated: 2005-12-31
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: A children's story about what turns dear Peter Pettigrew to the dark side, featuring his stereotypical co-stars, sugarhigh!Sirius, arrogant!James, sexually confused!Remus and useless!Lily.





	Peter Pettigrew and the Forbidden Donut

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Author's notes: This is a parody. As in, it's supposed to be funny. As in, you shouldn't take it seriously, because we sure as hell didn't.**

**It is written exceptionally simplistic because it was originally supposed to be accompanied by illustrations and be some twisted children's story, but Sarah loses at life and she never did draw those pictures, so here you go.**

**The Devil Went Down to Georgia is ... not ours. It is the brain child of the Charlie Daniels Band.**

**Enjoy.**

\---

It was a fine, rainy day in merry old England as Peter Pettigrew made his way to his friend James' house. James was having a very big dinner to show off to everyone how much better his life was than theirs and Peter was invited! He would have been excited, but he was too horribly depressed.

Peter rang the doorbell to James' house and paused to take off his emo glasses. Oh, if Sirius saw Peter in those glasses, how he would laugh!

Sirius was a good friend of Peter's and James' best friend. Some people said James and Sirius were like brothers! Peter did not think so because they really didn't look alike but he knew that James liked Sirius more than him and sometimes it made him cry at night. Sirius was unemployed but no one seemed to care because his humour was so zany and original!

Sirius came to the door. "WELL, SPANK MY ASS AND CALL ME BETTY," shrieked he, flailing wildly and dragging Peter inside. "WORMTAIL'S HERE! Hope you remembered to bring extra Depends this time, Pete." Sirius winked and shuffled into the kitchen to eat pure, granulated sugar straight out of the bag.

Peter shuffled in quietly and stared at his feet. Sirius was always so happy. Sometimes it made him jealous. Why wasn't he always as happy as Sirius was? He asked God that at night sometimes but God never answered or returned Peter's calls and eventually Peter had stopped trying. 

"Lily, look!" said James, peeking around the countertop and ruffling up his hair. He often ruffled up his hair because he thought it made him look like he had just come off of his broom and because it made his wife secretly want to shag him on the spot. "Peter's here!" James grinned. "Lock up the fridge, we don't want him eating everything!" 

Everyone in the kitchen had a good, hearty laugh while Peter died inside.

"Dinner's almost ready," said Lily happily. Oh, she was so happy on the outside, but inside she was filled with sadness and possibly a little bit of fetus. Yes, Lily had just discovered she was pregnant. And how would she ever tell James? It would ruin his dream of buying a 45-speed racing broom!

Remus smiled and began to set the table. Sirius, who had been sitting on the floor banging pots and pans together, leapt up and took a seat at the table.

"WHAT'S FOR DESSERT? I hope you made extra, because Wormtail's here now!"

"We're having cheesecake!" announced James proudly. "Don't worry, Peter, we made you your own turkey because we know how much you love to eat!" 

Remus and Sirius laughed.

"Ah, yes," said Remus. "So he does." 

Soon enough, dinner was ready and everyone sat at the table in front of the delicious food that Lily had made. Everyone at the table was smiling broadly, although on the inside many of them were sad. Lily was sad because she was worried. What would James think if he knew she was pregnant? Lily was worried that maybe James would shove her down the stairs or something, but she knew that he loved her so much he would just pay for an abortion instead. Remus was sad because he was a werewolf and no one loves werewolves because they are half human and half wolf and extremely dangerous, or at least that's what the government wanted them to believe! Also, he was very confused. He was in love, but he was not sure whether he loved Lily or Sirius! Oh, the oddball antics of a werewolf's heart!

Peter was very sad because his life was a horrible pit of darkness and despair.

James, however, was actually quite happy because he had a beautiful wife and a beautiful house and he had a lot of money because his parents had died. Sirius was also very happy, because he had eaten an entire bag full of sugar and could not stop his hands from shaking!

"So, how is everyone?" asked James, grinning in his charming manner. "If you're particularly interesting I might pretend to care!"

Sirius, who had heaped a pile of sugar about six inches high onto his plate, thrust his hand into the air. "OOH, ME FIRST! I'm happy because I'm with all my wonderful friends, and everyone loves me because I'm a hilarious, good-looking card, even when I'm bored and haughty under a tree!"

"I just read a very interesting book, actually," rasped Remus, because everyone knows that werewolves have raspy voices. "And because I am sad and lonely, it was very nice."

"I'm pregnant," said Lily quietly.

Peter ate his turkey.

"Pregnant!" said James, who sounded surprised. "What do you mean, pregnant?"

"The dictionary defines pregnant as carrying developing offspring in the body," said Remus, "and it usually occurs in women after they have had sexual intercourse without the use of contraceptives!"

James looked stunned! Lily was pregnant? She was going to have a baby? She was going to have his baby? Lily studied her plate very carefully. She felt ashamed.

"SEX!" cried Sirius, breaking the awkward tension. "I love that word! Isn't it a great word? SEEEEXXX. S E X! Why, having sex is so great! Hee hee hee. Remember that time I slept with every girl in Hogwarts? Oh, gosh, good times, good times! Sex sure is great, it's a shame you've never experienced it, Peter!"

James and Lily laughed and forgot their problems. Even having babies would be okay so long as you had a wonderful friend like Sirius around to lighten the mood!

"I hate my life and I want to die," said Peter. 

After dinner, Sirius got to his feet and clapped his hands together. "Who's up for a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos in the living room? You'll like this game, Pete, you look kind of like a hippo!"

"Ooooh, I'm in," said James, who was throwing their dirty dinner dishes and silverware into the garbage can. Why, he was so rich and perfect he could afford to buy new plates and forks every day!

"Alright," said Lily and Remus at the same time. Remus blushed and looked over at Lily, his beautiful secret love who would never love him because he was a werewolf and she was pregnant with his best friend's child.

"Come on, Pete," said Sirius, poking him in the eye. "You can be the pink one!"

"I've, er...got to go home and..wash my hair," said Peter, who was really going to go play chicken with a train. He nodded to everyone and rushed out the door before they could stop him.

"Oh Peter, you card," said Sirius, getting out the Hungry Hungry Hippos box. "You haven't got enough hair to wash!"

And everyone had a good chuckle.

On his way home, Peter dragged his feet and shuffled off slowly. It was raining and he was getting very wet, but he did not care. The tap tap of the rain against the sidewalk reminded him of the mournful beating of his heart against his ribcage and he felt one with England and its rain. "Oh, weather, you understand me in a way none of my friends ever have," he told the sky sadly as it rumbled and roared with thunder and lightning.

Suddenly, in front of Peter appeared a donut. He blinked and looked at it. A magically appearing donut? What madness! He was not sure what to do. WWJD? he wondered, gnawing on his lip like the squeaky, nervous man he was. However, he had no idea what James would do, and so he did the next best thing and ate the donut.

The donut turned out to be an evil portkey, because Peter felt him self being pulled through the air at an amazing speed. He soon reappeared in a forest-y clearing, landing on his ass with a dull THUD!

Goddamnit, it was an evil portkey AGAIN, thought Peter, getting to his feet. That's the third time this week!

Looking around, Peter saw that he was not alone. In fact, he seemed to be in the middle of a party! A SINISTER party, it seemed, because everyone was dressed in full black robes and everyone was wearing a white, expressionless mask! Oh no, thought Peter, not another death eater ho-down! Peter was not very good at defending himself because usually he had big strong friends like Sirius and James to defend him. 

The only man who was not wearing a mask approached Peter and smiled in a way that made Peter want to wet himself. "Hello!" said the man. "It is I, Lord Voldemort!"

Suddenly, the narration turned into song!

The Dark Lord went down to London.   
He was lookin' for a soul to eat.   
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind,   
and he was willin' to play a trick on Pete.

When he came across this young man eating often, and eating a lot,   
the Dark Lord jumped up on a hickory stump and said,   
"Boy, let me tell you what.

I guess you didn't know it but I can eat a shitload, too.   
And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.   
Now, you can eat a lot, boy, but give the Dark Lord his due.   
I'll bet a donut of gold against your soul,   
'cause I think I'm fatter than you."

The boy stuttered, "My name's Peter, and it might be a sin.   
But I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret,   
'cause I'm the fattest that's ever been."

Peter, loosen up your pants and eat a lot of pie,   
'cause hell's broke loose in London and someone's gonna die!   
And if you win you get this shiny donut made of gold.   
But if you lose, the Dark Lord gets your soul.

Then the Dark Lord loosened up his belt and said, "I'll show this dork." And fire flew from his fingertips as he polished up his fork.

And he cut the pie with his shiny fork and it made an evil hiss.   
He ate and ate and ate and ate till he had to take a piss.

When the Dark Lord finished, Peter said, "Fuck, you ate all 50 of the pies!"

And Peter wept like a child because he knew that he'd been beat.   
And he collapsed onto the ground graced by the Dark Lord's feet.

The Dark Lord said, "Peter, I'm going to eat your soul.   
Don't you try this shit again!   
I'll kick your ass, you little bitch,   
because I'm the best that's ever been."

Peter was scared. How could he have let this happen? He was sure he was the fastest eater in all the land! If life were a giant Hungry Hungry Hippos game, he would rule the land! Why, he would even beat James, who in real life would not make a very good hungry hippo because he was very skinny. Who would have known the Dark Lord could be so amazing at eating pies?

Voldemort laughed from above him. "Rise, you disgusting sack of lard!" he instructed. Dutifully, Peter heaved himself to his feet. "Good, now give me your arm!"

Peter felt a burst of Gryffindor resistance surge through him and he glared. "Never!"

Voldemort put on his Angry Face. 

Peter wilted and stared at the ground, holding out his arm. "Oh, fine." 

Voldemort let out an evil cackle and took out his wand. "Now, just wait a moment," he dug around in his pockets. "Oh, wait..where the hell...ah, yes. Here it is!" He brought out a Dark Mark stamp and screwed it onto the end of his wand.

"Hold still, my boy, this will only hurt a lot." He seized Peter's arm, rolled up his sleeve, and pressed the stamp into his skin.

As the stamp was pressed into Peter's forearm, he felt the distinct sensation that the souls of the damned were burning through his flesh, flowing through his veins and performing a death-grip on his nerves. The pain was very bad and he whimpered slightly but Voldemort did not care because Voldemort was a big meanie.

"Welcome to the Death Eaters, Peter Pettigrew!" said Voldemort proudly. "Now you can help me in my quest to kill all your little friends!" He beamed. 

Peter gaped at Voldemort. Kill his friends? Why, he could never do that! He had some of the best friends ever! Sirius and James were always so... well, then, there was Remus, who always.... and Lily, who was always there when he needed someone to..

"Ah, yes," said Voldemort, nodding and putting an arm around Peter's pudgy shoulder. "That's what I thought."

The Dark Lord held up a small white box. "Peter, would you like a donut?"


End file.
